"Living the GOP Dream: 200 Days of Paid Vacation" by Noah Metzen
I’m going to school to be a teacher, and I’d be lying if I said that getting summer vacation again isn’t part of the appeal (it certainly wasn’t a teacher’s salary). But I’ve been kicking myself recently, because I realized that if I really want some vacation time, I don't have to worry about student loans or about contributing anything of value to society -- I should just run for the state legislature as a Republican.
Now you may say, “Noah, you don’t have the qualifications to help run a Denny’s, let alone the state government”, but there's where you’re wrong. You see, I’ve come to realize that all you have to do to be a good Republican representative is absolutely nothing. Just gavel in, gavel out, and you’ll be back home in time for dinner. And occasionally, when some uppity Democrat tries to improve people’s lives or (as a random example) tries to help prevent the spread of a deadly pandemic, I’d just have to sue to stop them.
And if I thought having summers off as a teacher was going to be good, imagine how much better it’ll be when I join the exalted ranks of those Republican legislators who haven't worked in over 200 days and counting! I mean, when’s the last time you had over half of a year where you didn’t have to do anything? Not since starting preschool! And unlike the Republicans, 2 year old me wasn’t even getting paid.
So, I’ve decided that, even though I didn’t get my name on the ballot this time around, there's no better time to start campaigning for the next election than right now. My campaign is a simple one -- I will make one promise. I promise that if you elect me to the state legislature, I will wholeheartedly join my Republican colleagues in doing absolutely nothing, and I will do my damndest to make sure that any Democrat who actually tries to “do their job” or “serve the people of Wisconsin” gets nothing done either. Come hell or high water or a global pandemic -- I will not yield! I will rake in your tax dollars with gratitude in my heart and nothing on my calendar. I will be as good a Republican as I can be.
Or, if for some reason you’d prefer a candidate who wants to do more than cash a check, if you’d prefer a candidate who wants to do the work to take Wisconsin out of the running for “America’s Next Top Covid Hotspot”, don’t wait to vote for me. Certainly, don’t vote Republican. Vote for Kerry Trask.
by Noah Metzen